I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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