We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
