This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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