Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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