maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
