So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
