Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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