You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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