john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
