He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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