Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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