mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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