no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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