just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
