Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
