Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
