my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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