Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
