You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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