i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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