We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
