Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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