Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
