I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Randomize
