oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
