she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
