I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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