I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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