i don't plan on having that self control this summer
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
