New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize