sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
