Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
she smelled like a LAN party
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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