my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize