yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
