some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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