I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
