ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
