HIV tests are more positive than that guy
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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