She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
