god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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