he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
