He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
