I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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