just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
