Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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