Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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