Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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