I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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