Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize