I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
