here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
