those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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