so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
