I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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