i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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