I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Your cock deserves a montage
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
