why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
