Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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