census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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