Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
