Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize