i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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