you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
