dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
