Tell her she can't have a vagina
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
