I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize