The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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