I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
