If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
